pullin the trigger...

23rd December 2004

its 7pm...n i'm still at the office...
still in front of my pc....still loads to do...
still tryin to breath...still tryin to believe...

u see i dont mind havin loads n loads of work to do..its not like i have a bf to have fun wit after work...or on a date....honestLy i don't mind doing the xtra hour...or going the xtra mile...for work...for myWork....
(its the feeling of not being there that shits the most)...

this mornin i already had two to settle up my belly...one overdue report n another in the process...
then my boss had sume what i call a BitchFit....
she started askin non-Urgent matters to b settled today.....the one day i had too much to do...
i was honest when i say i was not done n that it won'tb proper for her to see it...
but she just had to get that bitchFit today....
n nothin was ever right ever since...

she kept callin me...askin to clarify things, correct things, ammend this n that.....
n at the end of the day....when there was no reason to get a fit...
she told me i was disorganize n that i was a dissapoinment to her....

it broke me to pieces...
i didn't do anything wrong...nothing got misplaced...or overdue....
bigBoss didn;t even raise it in the meeting..
but she had to go the xtra mile n say it...
n it broke me...

maybe its my period is coming...or i just got out of the wrong side of the bed...
because i usually never take these things seriously...i let it linger in my head..then i just tell myself "Ahhh...Fuck it lar..i'll Live..."...but not today...
it made me think....

thinkin aloud_
i dunt belong here..
i dunt fit here at all..
i don't know what i'm doin...
most of the times i just get lost or confuse on what is goin on..
maybe she's right...
maybe she's right all along...
i can never gain her trust huh
i can never be that good here
i can never fit here...
shit still got loads to do tonite...


and the worst part was...
i thought i was doing good...
i thought i was that officer bosses are proud of ...
i just thought..
till she told me i was dissapointing....

i need to get out here...
at least now..
at least this hour...

i'm getting colder..
runnin would b most wiser...
before i turn n pull the trigger.

curry_n-crack